Amma!! Happy Mother's Day!!

Almost everyday of the year is celebrated as some day.... Laughter day, friends day, valentine's day, environment day....etc.. too many days for the wee small brain to recollect!!
But some special day in the month of may..which I jzt cant put out of my mind ...Mothers Day(May 13th)!!I knew not the history of its origin...But every mothers day..i feel that i am special!!

I am what I am today all becoz of my amma !! The soul in me..was framed(is being framed) with her tenderness,love, patience, strictness... its sculpted over the years!! Gave me hopes & passions anew each day!! Chiseled the quality of my language!! Taught me the world!! Taught me how to live!! Her dreams soar high each day, though simple is her living!! She keeps saying..'uluvathellam uyar vulal...uyara uyara panivum uyara vendum' & she drives her life too in the same way!! She shapes my destiny... often i am perplexed , how could she live her life as well as mine!! Today, she insists on me getting a Phd..quitting the relentless job i do..Sounds gud too. Even i love to ..

Now i stay miles apart !! Miss you so much ma..

For all that u have given...I can return but love!!
Amma..I have never uttered a word how much i love you.
I have never tried to express it verbally... because i cant say how much i love you..more than words can hold.
I know that u would stay with me for ever..the bond is strong,it has to be..though it is unseen..
its special & true!! For u know me better than myself... you know my love too!!

There never was a woman like her. She was gentle as a dove and brave as a lioness... The memory of my mother and her teachings were, after all, the only capital I had to start life with, and on that capital I have made my way.
--Andrew Jackson

P.S : Many come into our life!! A few seem to come straight from heaven !! She came to give me life!! Happy Mother's day amma!!

The meet!!

Often…
My eyes crave to behold Ur Eyes…. that beam the light of dignity and class….

I was in lovely spirits that this tryst with u (one of the very few with whom I share my world) is after a bit long time…My eyes sparkle….heart lives hundred lives…for I am going to meet my friend!! One of my best buddies… (Best to me …if not to all )!!

The evening seemed pleasant…the restaurant beautifully lit with magical lamps!!
As usual…u chose the best table which was bathed by the moon’s silver rays, probably ur organizing abilities worth ur management lessons …
Music was light…Chefs were busy…nearest table occupiers with loud laughter….

Despite all the surrounding prattle…silence sheathed….
For the first ever time in my life …I heard absolute silence…
I felt I traveled to a far off land…where I could hear the unheard, see the unseen, feel the unknown…
I tried to come back…but I am blocked…
I charted my path forward... With the fear that it will ruin all my beliefs!!

A question rested in Ur mind….debating whether it should die or come out escaping Ur precincts…..
Tumbling… burying me forever…to be seen no more….
I starred at the amusements (?) mocking at my rising angst…

All the Gods & Goddesses took shape before my mortal eyes! I prayed hard….let not the question in ur mind take a form and be let out to me…
But I was nothing to them…they showed empty hands!! And before I inhale and return my way to hear that which I didn’t want to……I want to inhale my last breath….But na… my breath dint stop…I could hear my heart beat hit a century in less than half a minute…

I hated Ur eyes, my head drooped down… Ur reflection in the glass table disgusted me…I again summoned my likes (if at all its alive somewhere) to look at u… I felt I stare at a stranger….someone of no worth….

My fears came true!! The heaviness of the un fought duel of ur question gaining life or losing momentum is cleared away!! I lost myself, my best buddy too…wanted to slap u back with words…but I want u back…. as before …a little strength in me told I could…I pretended to understand ur question the least…I acted …not understanding what u wanted to convey…

I felt the worst pain…kicking me in that hurting core…core of decision….
Should I accept or deny Ur question…..???!!!!???
It hurts!! For the first time…..i heard silence …its horrifying ….

As u wave me… the sky can’t stop weeping… I couldn’t decipher the reason…
Is it for, u being disappointed on Ur inability to express Ur self
Or
is it for, me losing my pal….???

Music-My life!!

The word ‘music’ itself pays much to me!!! It has a lovely note and a rhythm in it!! I often Delve into my memories and re live my living moments!! Music came into me when I was three years old when I used to go to the nearby Krishna temple to listen to my grandpa’s bhajans...Though it was too small an age to understand and appreciate its merit…I could still remember the way i used to nod my head when they sung ,"Chinna china kananuku ena vendum ,singara vaai thirandhu solla vendum…" Perhaps without my knowledge, I was able to make out the divinity through his music, and was able to feel the presence of God. All those days when Krishna leela were all being presented visually in the mode of singing …I used to listen with lots of love and reverence for Lord Krishna….The song ‘Asainthadum mayilondru kandal..nam azhagan vandhanendru..’ had its effect on me in my later days too…Whenever I see a peacock in my college hostel grounds… I used to speak to them, make sounds exactly so that every peacock rises its head to find out the new addition to their pride (don xactly remember the collective noun for peacocks pride, muster or ostentation?). You see, nature is the best player of music.. and can evoke emotions with harmony and invoke intellectual aspects…

And days came, when I was formally trained in music. Music, when bakthi runs as the under current, is considered as a path to salvation.. I started my early days with slokas, bhajans..and then to music notes and lessons… Days were too busy for my dad n mom in preparing me with either thyagaraja’s keerthanas or bharathiyar’s songs for the interschool contests.. Those were real moments when I lived my life.
I started to listen to music all time…even in my study hours…I will play the best songs( I have a good collection in my home) in our two in one and then open my book.. dad was not too happy with this practice of mine..
‘’Tenth std da rajj..konjam seriousa padi ‘’ with these words , he will reduce the volume..but na.. my hands naturally reach the volume adjuster..i had a notion that as the mind is both the friend and the foe of a person and is also the cause of all the problems he faces, it has to be disciplined, which listening to music does. So my concentration will never go anywhere other than my books….
…. This habit became my routine…and today I cant live without songs…
Though the variety of choice changed now… or in other words, today I listen to whatever I am able to hear…( at home, believe me, I have never listened even to a single cine song) ..
And even today my dad n my bro, whenever they visit me.. come with a cassette of Unni (thaz de best gift any1 can give me) …and my fifteen year old sister makes fun of me, ‘nanum pathu varushama pakren , antha unnikrishnan cassette a pathale un facela 1000 watts theriyuthu’..
True,
I think when I was in my fifth class; I heard the song ennavale from the movie kadhalan in some reception.From then on..he became one of my favourite singers (one of my …nahi nahi…my best ) …
Now this is the portion of the post, that took me a long time to frame from 28th feb to….May…I searched words to express my emotions.Even I tried sitting in my terrace to catch hold of words that cross my in depth consciousness...but at last I found that it’s the most private experience which I find hard to put into exact words…
I heard from one of my frenz that there is going to be a katcheri of unni nearby my place…I felt like God… I had to make it at evening 7, on 27th feb…I started counting the days...Finally, my day dawned with too many confusions…Even if I start from office by the first bus, I will not be able to reach the place before 7.30....and to my bad luck, I had to deliver some important results that day. My clock showed six…and I was gasping for breath.. I could start only by 7… My heart beat rapidly…my eyes filled with tears. My fingers typed sentimental messages. I felt if only I had some vehicle which can fly up without the signals.. Minutes seemed hours… I lost patience..walked up to the driver , asked when he would reach, I really do not know why I did that, because I too know no one knows about Chennai traffic…I was dropped in my place at 8… from there, it would take five min walk ..i called an auto, the driver was just asking repeated questions about the place. I thought, why the hell are you wasting my precious time.. I started walking myself (walking..no..guez I would have beaten even the Olympic records that day) …All this anxiousness is because I m going to behold him for the first time …years long love… today time z going to give the mellifluous voice a form !!

The moment I took a look on him…Wow !! that moment ..precious ever in my life ..i occupied my seat. The tears that well up in our eyes involuntarily, when we hear an aptly stated musical tone…is precious too..
A voice which uniquely evokes a sense of fulfillment in the listener, balancing the intellectual exposition … and one can feel the joy only when
the listener is attuned to the spirit of the singer..I could feel that I very well match his spirits…because I was taken along by the beautiful rendering of Kambodhi ..to his world..
My friend kidded me that ahe wants to see me on the stage some years later… I don’t really know wherefrom I got the instant reply… Hey..i need not be a singer.. I will be grateful if I get a chance to play my violin by his side… mm
My clock showed nine fifty… I realized the world around… only if I start now, I can reach my home atleast by ten thirty.. My friend too left me alone there.. ( friends need not have the necessity to match our frequencies right?? I couldn’t force him to stay back ) !! But when it comes to partners,
Definitely….frequency should match in all ways..I noticed a couple there ..the young lady was listening to the song with all reverence..but the man was sitting like a stone.. I don’t exactly know the reason…probably he was like my friend who doesn’t actually like carnatic music…But I felt at that moment…God ..how cautious I should when choosing my partner!!


The concert was not over… But I had to start , it was already too late..
I started with the voice still lingering in my ears …

I just thought if only I had no music in my life..how I would be .. it seemed dark.!!

Yesterday, I watched the film mozhi !! A film which every human soul should watch…after a long time...i had the satisfaction of seeing a good film…music is not just about hearing.. it’s the language of the soul , of the heart… one should feel its presence even in its absence.. Precisely…Even silence is music!! I often enjoy music in silence..i myself wonder….at times there would be no music…nothing, but my fingers will be making thalas…and my head will be nodding to some tune…

Nature’s music… heart’s music... music’s language ….language’s music…Life’s music… Music is life!!

God!! I see you in music!! i feel you when i play my violin!! I love you as you are music in every life!!

TOOOO MUCH OF WORK!!!!!!!!

Over work ….This word sounds so common nowadays.
On the other day I saw a young gentleman seriously typing an official mail in a music concert…
And yet another instance, when I had to talk too much of technical stuff amidst the crowd that was wishing the young couple who began their married life…
It’s just the delineation of the globally spreading phenomenon…..Today’s competitive business world coerce every individual, despite the fact that he seldom likes it , to stay late night in offices and grab a bite of pizza or a burger on their way home …
Of course, it’s a welcoming fact that the booming IT and BPO industries promise a bright future ahead, in terms of revenue and technology growth...But don’t we need to think why we burn the midnight oil and what’s that is in store for us in the long run….

I remember reading somewhere that Indians, culturally; have great tolerance for personal inconvenience. So it has become common that our personal space and time is intruded and sometimes we end up in having nothing of that sort. This trait is most accepted by managers and people of the higher rungs of the industry...… but …….?

It’s the nature of work ...nowadays that demands too much of working hours. I could find a positive note in a few people that they are engrossed in their work with so much of zeal that they are going to achieve something exciting… Kudos to them! Some are real perfectionists….They are so obsessed with completing every job perfectly that they make a small task seem like a huge responsibility. In their quest for perfection, they are unable to finish the work assigned to them….

Let’s look at the mass. Exhausted by work though it doesn’t need any physical work causing sweat…..Working long does not necessarily mean that it gives greater productivity…Definitely its going to be counter productive in the long run. ‘
It's really, really hard, for the human brain to come up with fresh new ideas when its possessor is overworked, overtired, and stressed out.
It is often said, Procrastination is the thief of time…People keep evaluating and worrying about the work that they have to do, never getting down to actually do the work.. There are those who are simply lazy and keep delaying work or are just caught in the wrong job and prefer finishing the interesting work first …without actually realizing the type of work, which is really essential & that which is urgent…

After all this... it can lead to high stress levels, low self respect & definitely poor physical & mental health!!
So don’t we need to look into the current strategy of work and make out where we go wrong or how we wrong or who is to be blamed for us going wrong?
Of course…we do have something apart from work…something which demands our time…
Something that recharges our batteries, something that expands our horizon and makes us efficient at work….

And definitely…there are lots & lots of change required to our attitude…the wrong notion that prevails….more hours people work…better for the company…has to be changed…
We will have to set priorities and identify tasks that are central to the organisation and complete them first. And the management needs to set realistic goals for the organization…That which can be achieved by 40 hours/week/person work( seeing it happen live is really difficult thou..)!!

Let us have an increased focus on work-life balance…Let we give personal attention to the quality of time rather than focusing on the quantity of time we spend in office…let us not run after dollars…Let us Drive our life thro’ strong values and let us be efficient in our personal life too!!

Mm…that was a serious post!! And now let me tell u a fact ….. The hard truth for my blog being lifeless all these days is that I am positioned in my chair for sixteen hours a day, six days a week…which unquestionably is worse and waste …which never gave my soul be open to explore the world that offers more!! But do u think that someone thinks I am working more than what I actually can do...definitely not…u see…my Sunday is free…I have got 24 hours for me, for the world larger than my cubicle…

Relationship ? Why ? How?

I m back to this place after a long time!
What have I been doing all these days? A question to myself!
But then, the answer comes out this way!! I have been through a severe self test all these days! More questions filled in my small brain…creating huge voids…They scrutinized me …introspecting me to a greater extent than this world does….
Am I good enough? Do I love enough? Am I loved enough? Why to make relationships? Where do they start? How to classify them? Why do they end? How do they end? How certain relationships live for years, like the old banyan tree which stands the test of time, others for a few hours, like the lovely flower that withers away as dusk falls?

Philosophy occupies a great portion of my regular reading right from my childhood days….
I have always enjoyed reading… but the frenzied point when u find yourself fallen into a whirlpool of self questions……..u find philosophy a mute spectator panting itself unprepared to answer……….I found everything around me, inside me turn to questions…Wuf ..The disgusting darkness and the filling blankness of that moment!!!!

I don’t know how to move on writing this blog, coz often I start somewhere, take circuitous routes and end nowhere.
Its quite customary that anyone would be hunting a particular something but then will end up in a surprisingly new discovery… In a similar fashion, let me brief ( I doubt!) something that I read from Frozen Thoughts, a magazine for which i desperately await every month , its an extra dose in the journey of my life, it has helped me understand myself to a greater extent and also a right understanding of relationships at a deeper level. I Suggest the next time u find this book somewhere, do have a read for sure..

Human relationships are often compared to jigsaw puzzles..True..Unless its handled properly ,never could we find a right solution. Every one of us start making relationships with someone or other in the course of our living.But how many of us give thought to have a long lasting relationship? Often the relationships end as the conversation with a co-passenger in the Sleeper class coach..

Maintaining a relationship requires effort.

Many times, I notice young couples who come to the parks and hotels. The young gentleman spends his entire time over his mobile (the worst invention -will post soon why i dislike it) ..I don’t understand what’s the point in taking his wife all the way to the best place if he cannot spend a few hours with her. He is able to give attention to all those (clients, managers, friends...) who are not there, for more than one hour. But he could hardly spend time with his beloved, who does everything for him and always wish him the best. Will not the young lady feel that her feelings are disregarded??
Relationships survive and grow only when nurtured with understanding and respect. In the process of building relationships one should not ignore the feelings of already existing ones. If someone is repeatedly picturised that she/he is not important, will the relationship survive?
There's no use of making new relationships if one cannot maintain consistency.

Small things do great bonds

Young men and women of today, love to portray themselves as being busy or so much engrossed in their work ( i don’t know if they are really!) and spend very little time with beloved ones..
After all, our dads and moms need their child, not a management Guru to give lectures to them about the relentless work we do. So wear your uniform when it’s needed, Remove it when you have to. Learn rising to the occasion... After all, we work to live our life.. Its not that we have to spend thousands of rupees to show that we cherish a relationship... I often see a great happiness in my mom's face whenever I go and stand beside her in the kitchen, of course I do nothing there, but still I spend time watching my mom cook and acknowledge that everything she does, induces my taste buds.. How happy will she feel when i bring a glass of water when she looks tired.. ? Think the feeling of being his, when we sit with our dad and share a joke? I often luv to hear the voice full of joy , when I wish my sister for her class tests. Sounds very silly, but still, its kind of emotional assurance that you give to your close ones. Often I never forget to wish any of my friends' bdays ..Hardly i would have spoken, when i was in college, but the moment they understand that i remember them, they feel that i luv their presence.
Small things that we do make people that they are important, of course, at times, small things that we miss to do will make them feel unimportant too..

Acceptance

Accepting as they are, sounds tough, but an essential principle to have relationships alive. I have a habit of remembering people in the simplest ways I can... Every week, I call up old friends, teachers just to let them know that I remember them. And every day, I necessarily spend some time to draft mails to friends, I am really choosy about the subject matter, take pains to send each one of them different mails according to what they like…But never I m remembered on my bday…My mobile hardly rings…Hardly I get reply mails from them. But that doesn’t diminish the respect and love I have for them. I accept as they are. And that acceptance alone prevents relationships fade away with time.

Sorry- U need to have courage to say that!

How many of us have the courage to say sorry when we go wrong? If we don’t, do we think why we are not able to? Ego, the worst human characteristic keeps us from being humane. All are egoistic in nature and some of us are egoistic in specific situations, if not all the time. We end up living egoistic with people we envy or look down upon. We fail to consciously realize that our pride doesn’t allow to see ourselves below where we aspire to be. And we turn insensitive to the feelings of others. Before we summon our courage to say sorry, ego tarnishes the relationship. Its high time we curtail the deadly presence of ego and build up the courage of saying sorry whenever we understand that we are wrong.

Assumptions

One day, I didn’t get a single call from my home (usually I speak 5 times a day) despite the fact that I was having fever. I seriously started questioning myself. Am I loved enough? Why should I live when there is no one to care for me? Even my own parents don’t care for me, then who else will do? I felt as if I was thrown away by the world. The feeling of being alone irritated me. I gave least thought to know why they haven’t called me up. And I made up my mind that I should not call them unless they themselves do. Then the next day, I came to know that my mom was extremely sick and was hospitalized .Dad was the only soul there to take care of her and he didn’t call me coz my mom didn’t want me to know that she is ill. I felt how mean I have become. I imagined myself something and put myself into trouble. Then I realized it is good to act based on facts and not assumptions. We often go wrong because we react to assumptions.

How is your relationship with YOU (yourself?)

Do u spend time with yourself? Each day has to be filled with at least one activity that you enjoy thoroughly, do only for yourself. It could be anything, singing in the bathroom, having the most delicious pie, reading comic books… Anything…. which makes you forget all else.
The activity hardly matters… I often luv to sit in solitude, but it brings me closer to myself and makes more intimate to myself.. Wow..That’s a really a feeling which u can’t explain.
I often do few activities solely for me, where I need no one else to enjoy. I enjoy being with words, birds, moon, stars, love, waves all alone. I do it just for me alone. At times, I have a cup of fresh juice in a beautiful garden restaurant alone, when every other table has young lovers exchanging coy looks…But I love this solitude, serenity… I get closer with the juice I have, the nature around... Of course I and me can’t get closer anymore…
Only when you know how to be close with yourself, you can think of being close with others..


Relationships are not strange. But they survive only when they are handled with care and love. I learn how to keep relationships fresh and alive, amidst all pressures, in every small step, life teaches me to take.
Of course, I love to have relationships!!